Weddings
by qualmpeddler
Summary: 5 chapters, script format. Tim & Daisy get married, but does anyone else?
1. Chapter 1

**I sat down one evening and came up with this. It's very short, needs lots adding to and hasn't even got a proper title! It's just called 'Sofa'. But I've tried to write it along the same style of the show. All comments welcome but please be gentle, it's the first story I've done**. :-)

Disclaimer: similarities to any other story/script is purely coincidental!

Tim has returned from Germany and he and Daisy have just got married.

Post wedding, back at the flat, sofa. Lucy unhappy at still being single.

LUCY: Oh well, that's it, I'm officially on the shelf.

LEE: Don't be so hard on yourself, you got loads of attention tonight. What about the bloke who was sitting next to that dog?

LUCY: That was his guide dog! and he thought I was the waitress!

LEE: Oh... well he seemed pretty keen, and think about it, you wouldn't have to worry about what you looked like first thing in the morning.

Lucy glares at Lee

LUCY: My mum didn't appreciate the dance you started.

LEE: I thought it would add a bit of Caribbean flavour to the occasion.

LUCY: In Croydon?

LEE: Everyone likes a limbo don't they?

LUCY: Not when you use Auntie Flo's false leg!

LEE: Well at least it broke the ice.

LUCY: You didn't just break it, you smashed it with a mallet. You know my Mum will never forgive you. She's only just recovered from Daisy's hen night.

LEE: Did the farmer get all his chickens back in the end?

LUCY: I guess I have to accept the fact that I'll be living here with someone who hires a hearse for his best friends wedding.

LEE: I already told you, I specifically said 'horse' on the phone. Nobody noticed.

LUCY: Oh no, nobody noticed the happy couple sitting next to a coffin then?

And you forgets the rings!

LEE: Lucky I had that packet of hula hoops in me pocket then. (He laughs)

Silence..

LEE: What about if we get married?

LUCY: What?!

LEE: Come on, what's the worse that could happen?

LUCY: Er... I could marry you. That's the worse that could happen!. We've not even been on a date.

LEE: Yes we have.

LUCY: When?

LEE: I took you to the dogs, remember?

LUCY: Spending the evening hunting through rubbish bins to find your lost winning ticket is not what I'd call a date.

LEE: I think that's very inconsiderate of you. I would've bought you dinner with my winnings.

LUCY: It was a fiver, it would only have bought me a Happy Meal.

LEE: Oh no, I wouldn't have been happy about it.

LEE: We're practically married anyway, we live together and don't have sex. And you did tell me once that you'd marry me if you were still single at 40.

LUCY: Oh great! this gets even better. I'm only 32!

LEE: Am I not husband material?

LUCY: You? Husband material?, I'm not sure you're even Man-material! Look Lee it's very sweet all but...


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the positive reviews, much appreciated!**

**Next bit still follows the same far fetched style of the show, with a little twist.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and a very small section of this story is not my own but inspired by a film.**

LUCY: A marriage should be based on trust, friendship... (pauses) love. Who'd get married just because they were so used to being their parents' favourite and were jealous of their older brother getting all the attention. I mean... what kind of idiot would do that?! ... Eh...?

(silence)

LEE: Get your coat and keys, I'll meet you downstairs, that registry office at the top of Church Street is still open if we rush.

(both grab coats, rush out)

(At Registry Office)

Lee looks at board on wall that lists the day's weddings. Sees it's fully booked, picks random name on board and thinks up a plan...

LEE: Helloooo.

MAN: Yes Sir, Can I help you?

LEE: My flatma.. er.. girlfriend and I are here to get married?

MAN: (hands form). Surname?

LEE: Chang... (unconvincing) Huh, I was adopted.

MAN: If you'd just like to sign here, Sir. Any witnesses?

LEE: (panicking) No, I swear nobody saw me!

MAN: No, do have anyone who will act as witnesses to your wedding?!.. why?.. what have you done?

LEE: (shaking head) ...nothing...

MAN: Well, we can provide 2 people who can act on your behalf. I'll just get the correct forms. (goes away, comes back) And the wheelchair you requested Mr Chang is over there.

(wheelchair is decorated with bows, ribbons and "just married")

LEE: (nervously approaching Lucy) We're in luck, they've had a last minute cancellation. Just had to give them a few details, y'know the usual stuff.

LUCY: Lee, I'm not sure about this. Are we doing the right thing?

LEE: 'Course we are Lucy, have you ever taken bad advice from me before? (Interrupting as Lucy about to speak) Don't answer that.

LEE: And.. it's not often you can get 2 weddings out of the same suit on the same day.

LUCY: Where did you get it from?

LEE: Primark.

LUCY: I didn't know they did suits for hire?

LEE: (shows huge price label still attached to sleeve). They don't! (Intending to return it next day)

LEE: Oh, (holds her arm) Lucy, before you go in, there's just one teeny weeny little thing that almost slipped my mind...

LUCY: How teeny weeny exactly?

LEE: Oh nothing important, you'll hardly notice. You just need to sit here. (points to wheelchair).

LUCY: What's that for? Are you telling me I have to get married in a wheelchair?

LEE: If you can add a few groaning noises for effect too.

LUCY: Why?

LEE: You're also 9 months pregnant!

LUCY: What?!

LEE: Maybe if they think you're in labour, they'll be quicker!? ... I got you this (hands her huge packet of toilet rolls to put up dress for a fake baby).

LUCY: I don't believe I'm doing this. Is this how low I've sunk.

LEE: Shh.. (points at Lucy's stomach full of toilet rolls) little Andrex doesn't want to hear Mummy and Daddy fighting. (Sits in wheelchair) Look it's easy to use, let me show you..

(Predictably, Lee struggles to control wheelchair and falls downstairs, ending up at bottom in a heap)

(At flat, once again Lee injured, bruised/bandaged, and as usual Lucy patting bruises with ice pack)

LUCY: Tim phoned from his honeymoon. Says they're having a good time.

LEE: OUCH!... (wincing in pain) Yeah the people at Iceland were very considerate once they'd realized the mix up. Easy to confuse a country with a large chain of frozen food stores... well... for Daisy it is.

LUCY: (angrily) Will you stop squirming! ..Is there anywhere it DOESN'T hurt?!

LEE: (angrily in return) YES... HERE! (lifts arm, points at elbow)

LUCY: (leans over, give a quick kiss on his elbow)

LEE: (less aggressively)... Here! (lifts other arm, points at other elbow)

LUCY: (leans over, gives another quick kiss on his other elbow)

LEE: (in much softer voice) ... Maybe here... (lifts up bandage, points to forehead just above eyebrow)

LUCY: (softly kisses his forehead)

LEE: (hesitantly) ... A little here too... (stroking his lips with his finger)

LUCY: (watching him, kisses him gently on the lips)

Then...


	3. Chapter 3

**Shorter chapter, thanks for the reviews.**

(Phone rings, Lucy jumps up suddenly realising whats happening and answers it immediately)

WENDY: Hello Lucy darling, I'm sorry it's late but your Father's locked us out and we can't get in, we'll have to come round and stay with you tonight. I knew you wouldn't mind, I knew you'd be alone with nothing better to do and would like some company.

LUCY: (out of breath) But Mum... It's not a good time right now, I'm in the middle of doing someone... (correcting herself).. SOMETHING!

WENDY: In the middle of doing something darling? What could you possibly be busy with?

LUCY: I'm ... washing the ... cat?

WENDY: Washing the cat? You don't have a cat.

LUCY: Oh did I say cat, I meant... (panicking)... car

WENDY: What are you talking about Lucy dear? Why would you be in the middle of washing the car?! Is there something going on?

GEOFFREY: Let me speak to her Wendy. (grabbing phone) Lucy?!.. It's OK we won't impose on you. It's too far for us travel at this time of night.

LUCY: Oh great, thanks Dad, there's that little bed and breakfast nearby, they'll have a room for tonight. I'll see you both in the morn...

GEOFFREY: (Interupting) You can bring the spare set of keys over to us now. We knew you'd be alone with nothing better to do tonight. Don't be long (cuts off)

LUCY: But... (hangs up) oh great!.. come on let's go.

LEE: Where we going?

LUCY: To keep my parents quiet!

LEE: Can't you phone them back.

LUCY: And tell them what?.. Mum, Dad, sorry I'm too busy kissing my northern layabout flatmate who you don't like.

LEE: That's a bit harsh.

LUCY: Why, what else could I say?

LEE: (pause)... I'm sorry I'm too busy kissing my northern layabout flatmate who you don't like... very much. Ok, you're right, they won't buy it.

LUCY: Look, today has been a bit weird, I think it's best if we forget about it all. Let's just take them the spare keys, come back and go to bed.. our own beds!... I honestly don't want to see another wedding dress, cake or flowers for a long time and I certainly don't want to go to any more weddings!

(Arrive after journey by car at Wendy/Geoffrey house)

LEE: Well, where are they?.. I thought you said they were outside the house.

LUCY: They must be waiting round the back.

LEE: Lucy?, Look the door's open!

(Both cautiously approach door and step inside, it's pitch black, silent)

LUCY: Hello?.. anyone there?

LEE: Maybe they've been kidnapped?

LUCY: (sarcastically) Thanks! Can you be any less cheerful maybe?

LEE: Alright, maybe they're dead?! Hacked to death in a grizzly blood bath!

LUCY: Someone else is going to be hacked to death in a grizzly blood bath if they don't shut up! Switch on the lights

LEE: And what if the deranged lunatic that got here first is waiting for us? ... You switch it on.

LUCY: Wait!.. Mum and Dad must have managed to get inside, and they've gone upstairs to bed?

(Voices are heard...then suddenly lights go on...)


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry, taken ages to add more to this story. In fact it's been so long, you might (like I did), need to go back and read the previous chapters again first. I'd completely forgotten what happened! Once again, comments/reviews always appreciated, and even better if they're nice ones ;)**

(Lee & Lucy enter room and switch on lights).

WENDY & GEOFFREY: Surprise!

LEE: What the fu...?

LUCY: Mum! Dad!, what's going on?

GEOFFREY: Ah, at last you've finally decided to join us.

LUCY: Join you?, for what?... what's going on?

GEOFFREY: Well, after Tim & Daisy today, your mother (coughs, continues reluctantly) and I, got to thinking. We've been married 45 yrs now, God knows how, so we thought to celebrate we'd do something a bit special, you know, make an occasion of it.

WENDY: And what better way than to get married again.

GEOFFREY: (unenthusiastic) Yes, and your Mother had the idea to make it a surprise for you.

LUCY: Oh, you've certainly surprised me alright. And this seemed a good thing to do (looks at watch) at this time of night!?

LEE: Was there a sale on?, buy one wedding get one free?

WENDY: The Reverend here was staying at our house tonight anyway.

REV: (sneaking in) Yes, we're playing golf first thing tomorrow morning.

LEE: So you can kill two 'birdies' with one stone then?! ...That's a 'stroke' of luck. ...

LUCY: Lee I'm not in the mood for any of your lame golf jokes.

LEE: (pauses), but it's 'par for the course'...

LUCY: (raising hand) Enough!

WENDY: We needed you both to be our witnesses, you see.

LEE: Oh I've witnessed enough already today.

REV: If everyone's ready then can we please start the service?

GEOFFREY: Yes, come on, get on with it.

LUCY: OK fine, we're here now anyway (to Lee) we might as well stay.

(Lucy/Lee reluctantly sit down)

REV: We are gathered here to witness the renewing of wedding vows between Wendy and Ge...

LEE: Wait!... this doesn't feel right.

LUCY: Look, just play along with it, you can see how much it means it my Mum, and Dad... well my Mum anyway (cut to Geoffrey practising golf swing)

LEE: No, I mean, it's not right... it's the wrong people getting married. (getting down on one knee) Marry me!, c'mon... marry me?, for real this time, we nearly did before?

GEOFFREY: I beg your pardon. Are you saying you want to marry my daughter?

LEE: Errr... well... in a roundabout way... er... sorry can you repeat the question?!

GEOFFREY: You heard me! Why would my daughter want to marry an illiterate northerner like you?

LEE: She's not marrying me Dad, you know. I'm actually very literate thank you very much.

GEOFFREY: Yes, you're literally going to get my fist in your face in a minute! (imitates punch)

WENDY: Geoffrey!

GEOFFREY: My daughter has no intention of lowering herself... especially on you!

(Lee bites lip at last comment, trying to hold back reply)

LUCY: Yes! I said yes, I'll marry you..

**...tbc**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews. I've enjoyed writing this little fanfic, even though it's taken me a while to update the chapters. Tried to make it humorous. Love reading everybody's stories on here. Keep posting them and enjoy the new series :)**

Sofa scene, they've just got back from getting married at Lucy's parents house.

LEE: Happy?

LUCY: Yeah, I think so.

LEE: Only "think" so?

LUCY: (smiling) No, I KNOW so... (they kiss briefly) but there is one thing though..

LEE: Yeah?

LUCY: Well I've never asked you what you're surname is.

LEE: Oh...

LUCY: I guess I just had no need to before. Well... ?

LEE: Well what?

LUCY: What's your surname?

LEE: My surname?, oh quite boring really... it's "Lastic"

LUCY: LASTIC?!.. Lee Lastic? Are you kidding me?

LEE: No, why would I joke about my surname?

LUCY: Because... well because it's a stupid surname...

(Lee Looks hurt and offended)

LUCY: Oh look, I'm sorry, whatever you're surname is, that's fine... It's just that I wasn't expecting it to be quite so ridic... unusual

LEE: (whispering) It's not actually my real name you know.

LUCY: Isn't it? ...Oh thank God

LEE: Nope, it's really Plastic!

LUCY: Plastic!... Lee PLASTIC?

LEE: Yep, but me Grandad's fag ash fell on Dad's birth certificate and covered up the P. Quite ironic really, all his life he spent looking for a pee. "Fantastic Lee Lastic" they used to call me at school. Better than my mate Dave Danker the w*nker... although he did grow up to be a banker... so technically, it was true. So then Mrs Lastic... what shall we do tomorrow?

LUCY: Lucy Lastic!.. Oh for the love of God, you're out of your mind if you think I'm changing my name to that!

LEE: Why not?

LUCY: Lucy Lastic? ...loose elastic! ...that's why not!

LEE: (chuckling)... I'm joking Lucy. It's not "Lastic", "Plastic" or anything fantastic.

It's...

**End of scene, music starts, roll credits ;)**


End file.
